Married Sex - Hilarious Tweets Describe Why Sex After Kids Is Virtually Non-Existent
Married sex is one thing, but sex after kids is something else entirely. Mostly it's an idea rather than actual reality, because the arrival of kids turn that reality into a complete work of fiction, turning it into a fantasy that has very little chance of ever happening. Well, at least until your kids are grown up and have left for college. Maybe.
Ask anyone who has kids, they will likely nod in agreement, but for those without kids it's hard to understand.
Which is why these tweets below about married sex after kids are not only hilarious but they're enlightening too. Because they come from people who no doubt, especially in the early stages, have indulged in married sex, the kids are clear evidence of that. But when it comes to sex after kids, they show why it's a different matter entirely. Because even if you do get some of your married sex life back, you have to be really cunning about it.
As kids not only require a helluva lot of looking after, they have boundless energy too And by the time you're day is over, all you really want to do is sleep. Not hatch some elaborate plan to have some pre-kids married sex.
So Why Is Married Sex After Kids Impossible?
Sure, you can read articles about how the married sex needs to be somehow kept alive and well after your brood arrives. But reading an article (which patents with kids won't have time to do) on how you're supposed to keep the flame alive and have sex after kids is one thing. Putting that into practice when you've spent the day shepherding screaming children around who have only just gone to bed and it's 10pm is something else entirely.
Still, the old married sex life may be gone, but at least they have twitter to make jokes about it all.
Check out some tweets on married sex and sex after kids below. And check out #sexafterkids on Twitter for more.
Some Of The Best #SexAfterKids Tweets
Foreplay for a stay at home mom... Telling your your spouse "I had a shower today..." #married life #sexafterkids
Husband: "Talk dirty to me." Me: "Okay, the laundry, the dishes, the kids, the house..." #parenting #sexafterkids #dirtytalk
Being married with children is like being a teenager again. You can only have sex if you sneak around and don’t get caught.
Since becoming parents, the thing my wife and I do naked most often is to fall asleep while discussing the possibility of having sex.
Be sure to keep the spark alive by texting him sexy little nothings like, "We need to check the kids for lice" and "please buy tampons".
People think being a dad is just wearing cargo shorts and making lame jokes but you also got to have sex at least once and that was cool.
Instead of a cigarette after sex I usually just mumble stuff like "my back hurts" or "are you getting up with the kids tomorrow?".
#sexafterbaby is like being an earth bound space shuttle. If "reentry" is 3am u go for it or miss window & spend another week in orbit.
Husband walking around in a towel...I swear if our son was sleeping and I wasn't so tired and...who am I kidding..#nosexlife #babysonogravy
So sick of blog posts with titles like: Parents tell what sex is really like after having kids. I'm over here thinking, "There's sex?"
Dear parents who photograph their children napping or set up dinosaur scenes while their kids are sleeping: You should be having sex.
Having sex when you're a parent is like trying to shoot from half court with 3 seconds left on the clock.
Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.
Google before kids: "Cool sex moves" Google after kids: "LEGO Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu: Rebooted: Fall of the Golden Master Season 3"
My bed always looks just as messy now as it did in college. Except it used to be from wild sex & now it's from wild children jumping on it.
Doctor: No sex for 6 weeks after birth Me: Why? Did her vagina see its shadow? Doctor: Me: Doctor: Please tell me you're not the father.
I'm on a special birth control called "working and married with kids and too damn tired and drowning in chores" for sex.
Sex before kids: Everywhere. Anywhere. Hot. Sex after kids: In the midst of sneaking, you kick a pile of toys and Olaf screams "HEADS UP!"
The Great Sahara, but it's just a documentary on what happens to your sex life after marriage & kids.
I will be live tweeting the next time I have sex. I've been married for 10 years and have three kids...don't hold your breath.
